You made me cry and you don't even care
hell yes lets make some ravioli
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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