I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
