Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
