I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
