i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This house was built for laser tag.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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