I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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