Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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