I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
smell my finger.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
