i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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