Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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