You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
