I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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