My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
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I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.