How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal