did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
