Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
