I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
