Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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