I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
