Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
