i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
