my computer doesn't work...
i puked on it last night
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.