Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
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I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.