i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
