I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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