hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
