Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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