I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
