She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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