I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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