I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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