You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
