Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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