I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
