just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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