I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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