Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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