There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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