My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
