I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
