Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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