I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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