Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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