the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
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i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
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You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize