I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She bit a glass in half.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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