Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
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He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
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I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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