just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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