If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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