You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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