Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
