Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
