he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
