Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
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Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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