Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
