I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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