i wish starbucks made bloody marys
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
