Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
