after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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