dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
