Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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